Fate Intervenes Eventually the hour grew late and boy had to guide me from the secret cave and back toward the square boulder. I couldn’t help the disappointment climbing through me as we drew closer to the isolated hut on the outside of the pack. I hate when these adventures end. I wish I could live closer to whichever hut is his home. I imagined a future where one day he and I would love next to each other. And always be close. I was scanning around me, past the flashes of yellow weeds, green trees, and blue clouds until I found his darker silhouette. I squinted hard, trying to see more of his features. I’d love to know what he looks like! He leaned over my hand and gallantly kissed the back of it. As if I were something precious. Rather than a ragamuffin pup in a small camp. It was something that he always did when we were saying goodbye. I took in every detail I could. His height and the precise roundness of his head, though even that was hard to make out. Knowing that he was telling me goodbye for the afternoon. I didn’t want him to go. He was the one thing that was mine. My best friend, my way of seeing the world and all the wonder I got to experience. He is everything. I thought mournfully. I like him so much! I giggled and held my hand out with curling fingers as I struggled to find his head so that I might ruffle his hair. I wanted to feel its texture, because it was a feature I could learn. It felt thick, straight, with maybe some small curls near the back. And it was a little coarse.   More like wolf fur than hair. I thought. It reminded me how different he and I really were. He is more wolf than I am, even in human form. I was sad. I stared hard at him. I heard the rumbling tones with rising notes toward the end that told me he had asked me a question. “I just wish I could see you…” He murmured something soothing back. The words were longer so I could tell he was comforting me. He caught my hand to give it a reassuring squeeze. I listened to the faint sounds that told me he was walking away. I watched his shadow as it grew smaller and blurrier. Until I could no longer make him out, which was only a few steps away. I sighed. *** The boy was my only friend, and he meant the world to me. He was the only one, beyond my mother, that I was close to. I imagined how magical it would’ve been to call him by name. Or to speak to him as he often tried to speak to me. But his voice was just out of the range I could hear well which meant I never knew quite what he said. I don’t even fully get to hear his voice. Higher tones like my mother’s sharper pitch were easier. Still garbled and muffled, but easier. I picked up the long stick I kept by the boulder and fumbled my way back down the hill toward the shack. “Deva!” Mom cried from a distance away. I assumed she was in the doorway of the shack. “I was so worried for you! It’s nearly dark.” “I couldn’t tell.” I said dryly. “You’re not funny.” I shrugged. I saw her silhouette, and the lighter shine of her hair as I got close enough to peer up at her. “Did you have fun?” She asked, calming as I neared her.   I knew that a vibrant smile brightened my face as I thought about it. “Yes.” “I know how much you love it out there.” She came over to lean down and hug me. “Just be careful sweetheart. And remember-” “Never turn into a wolf.” I said the familiar words with her. Knowing that my pronunciation was probably not right because I had not learned to properly say them from hearing others. Don’t be outside too long. Don’t go too far. Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t let them see you, they may try to hurt you. I replayed all the things she’d told me over the years. The endless stream of worry that often emerged from her mouth when I wanted to leave the shack. I knew she was always anxious when I left. Sometimes I wished I wasn’t so broken. *** It was many moons later, countless days spent on new adventures with boy, when fate decided to intervene in my life. It was a sunny day. Warm with only the faintest breeze to kiss along my cheeks. As if the heavens had reached straight down and dropped it into my pack, in human form. Solely for me to find. And from that moment, I would be forever changed. Fate came to me in the form of a woman. ‘The Spark’, to be specific. That’s what they called her anyway. It started because I had gone to the ravine and waited hours for Boy to meet me there. He never came. Then I had remembered how morose his voice had sounded when he said goodbye yesterday, so I believed he had tried to tell me he couldn’t make it today because of something happening within the pack.  I had been so curious as to what would keep him away that I couldn’t resist creeping deeper into camp. I won’t bother him. I just want to see what is so important he can’t come be with me. I chewed my cheek, clutching the partial loaf of bread I’d stolen from the shack in hope of sharing with him as I peered around the corner of a structure to see the jumble of movement nearby. That was when some of the other pack pups had spotted me. “What is that!” One boy cried. The next thing I knew a rock had struck me in the head. “It’s a monster!” A couple girls squealed in horror. “It’s scary! Look at its eyes!” A younger pup wailed. More rocks soon followed. I hurried away. Running so fast that I tripped over a root and crawled much of the way. I heard them behind me. Another rock struck me in the back. “Please! Stop!” I wailed. “It talks funny!” More rocks followed. I looked up and saw the looming outline of a huge building. I couldn’t see anything further away so I stood to run along the wall, fumbling until I found a handle. I slid it open a crack and slipped in. I was small, thin and short so I didn’t need much space to disappear. I hurried into an empty stall. Despite the smell of horses and sheep I hid there. Cowering against the wall for fear that the pups would find me again. And hurl more of their rocks. Blood oozed down through my hair and dripped on one of my shoulders. The spots where those rocks had hit me stung, but nowhere near as much as the emotional pain I endured at knowing they would hate the sight of me so much that they would harm me. I was awash in my hopelessness. I sat in there trembling. Worried that my mother’s worst fears would come true. She had always believed my life would be cut short, either by wolves that refused to accept me in their pack or by the malady that had always made me less than the other wolves. It would be dreadfully sad to die alone in this stable. And to let down the one person that wanted me to live more than any other. Despite that even she had little faith in the prospect. I reached up to touch my ringing head and looked down at the red smears coating my fingers. I was drawn from my thoughts when I heard the door crack open a little further and the thump of someone stumbling into the wall next to me. I cowered behind a high mound of hay. Trying to tuck my small frame fully from view as I saw a shadow near the opening of the stable. Still, the woman spotted me. I think it was the partial loaf of bread I was clutching that drew her to me. She put a hand on the horse leaning over from the next stall and peered around his long neck to see me crouched behind the hay. For a moment my heart dropped. Until she whispered, “Might I hide with you?” I was struck by the sweetness in her voice. And the echoing loneliness I felt rising from her. She’s sad. Like me. “Y-yes...” I said hesitantly. Hugging the bread tighter as if it might protect me if she changed her mind and moved to hurt me. She crowded into that corner of the stall with me. I moved to scoot over and nearly bumped her shoulder. She jerked away as though I had the pack plague. The hurt must’ve shown on my face. “My illness is not contagious.” I had a hard time pronouncing the words, they weren’t ones my mother used beyond when she read to me. Having not heard it said a lot, I wanted to get right because I had the urge to impress this woman. Perhaps it was her hair that made her seem so striking to me. It was a startling copper shade, a color unlike any I’d ever seen before.   “It’s not that.” She leaned to whisper to me secretively. “ I am contagious. You mustn’t touch me. Never touch me.” She shook her head solemnly. There was so much severity in her voice that I had to take her seriously. I chewed my cheek skeptically. “Truly.” She reassured. “It’s not you little one. It is I, that is not whole...I am a Spark, you see?” “Spark?” I tried to peer at her. Overwhelmed with curiosity. “But that is not your name?” “No.” She said slowly, impressed. “Most don’t care about my true name.” At first the term didn’t mean much to me. Not at the time. I’d heard the lore and mother had spoken of what a Spark could do, so I had some idea. But no firsthand experience at that time.   I understood that there were few beings that carried Spark blood. And even fewer that ever developed the power to trigger one’s beast into a frenzy. But a pure, true, Spark was something incredibly rare. With one touch she could bring monster blood to the fore and force any creature to change into its purest form. It was a fascinating legend. I’d always imagined that speaking of the Spark was like speaking of my father. It was done, quietly, reverently, and only in dark corners where others couldn’t overhear. The difference was that I understood what Fury, the original wolf, was. Mother had spoken of him as if he were the greatest creature to walk through Ferus. Which had always left me wondering why he had never come looking to see if I had been born. She said she didn’t tell him she had a daughter but didn’t he want to see what she had given birth to? Or did he just not want me? That always made my heart fall. Mother refused to elaborate on it. I could tell it pained her to talk about it. But I would’ve loved to know more about the curse that had taken an average wolf and given him the power to take human form. While in the same breath, prohibiting him from ever siring a daughter. Mother believed that was what made me the way I am. Because I was never supposed to be to begin with. All of that combined to make me a very lonely adolescent wolf. Unable to bear that sense of isolation, this morning, I had crept too close to the pack in my longing to be near Boy. I’d just wanted to spend a moment with him. To share some bread and maybe see where he lived. That terrible curiosity was what had landed me here. Hiding in this stable from pups that throw rocks at me. With her…

Secret Waters The wind in this perfect little canyon rustled through the trees around me and this boy. Shaking their branches and showering crackling leaves over me. I saw the shades of gray and rust foliage, only when they were close enough to land directly on my face. Tickling my cheeks with their rough edges. I giggled. We didn’t stop moving. Even with those coming down around me, he kept us surging forward. My feet found the next step and the next. Soon, I caught the faint click of cracking twigs and knew he was leading me around those that were big enough to require stepping over. With his help I temporarily felt what it would be like to navigate the world, able to see. And hear… I imagined that this is how the world would always seem, if I could perceive it the way he does. But I wanted to enjoy the moment. I was happy with him. And I was sure running with him ahead of me was the closest I could get to flying. I’m always free of my restraints when I’m with him. I didn’t have to be locked away in the shadows and kept from view of the other wolves. I didn’t have to worry about what would happen if they stumbled across me. Boy wouldn’t let that happen. He always took care of me. He always sensed anyone coming and showed me where we could hide together. Then he would let me know when it was safe to come out. He always takes care of me…This boy. At least I think that’s what he is.  I realized I didn’t know for sure. But the usual signs were there that told me he wasn’t female. His breaths were noticeably deeper than mine, and his hand felt callused. Strong. And larger than mine. Though not by much. He was guiding me so fast down the hillside that I got to feel what it felt like to run. A hint of what it would be like to run through the forest as a wolf. Even though I never will. I would only ever run in this form. And only when he was my eyes and ears. “There you are.” I greeted him as I always did. *** The boy and I were both young. Having only seen a couple moons. He always knew he could find me here when the sun was highest, if it was a day that mother let me out. This ravine was always where we met. And he always comes. I knew. As if he could somehow sense when I left the shack. Except the one time. Pain rushed through me as I remembered that awful day. I knew he was afraid of them seeing him with me because the only time he had ever not come to play with me here, was when there were other children from the pack already playing here. No. I won’t think about that day. I promised myself. I pushed all thoughts of that one lonely day aside as I focused on this moment as we reached the bottom we hurried through the trees. I threw my head back and laughed, watching the gold and brown leaves land on my face. I ran the path he set for us. I trusted him unquestioningly. “How do you always know when I’m here?” I heard a muffled sound that might have been him speaking but with the wind in the trees it was impossible for me to focus on a voice. I couldn’t understand what he said. That was okay though. We didn’t need to talk to have fun. I could just make out his hazy outline, slightly taller than me as he tossed leaves into the air. Throwing them over me. I shook my face into them. Loving the way the dry bits brushed over my face like tiny fingertips. I knew some were getting stuck in my hair and I was sure to get in trouble, but I didn’t care. Not right now. Nothing else matters right now. I lived in this moment with him. When I was with him, I only cared about playing. Like he does every day. Because I was a broken pup, none of the other children would play with me. Which meant I was always alone. Except for when I’m here. He grabbed my hand in his again and we ran further through the bottom of the ravine. I heard a faint rumbling around me and knew what it was when he led me to my knees on the ground. I wasn’t surprised when he dunked my fingers into a freezing creek. I yelped and retracted my hand, stunned by the cold. It’s freezing! I shot him a betrayed look. Widening my foggy eyes and gaping at him in sheer horror. I heard a ticking sound that I recognized as his particular laugh. I knew those notes. Four low ticks with some reverberations between. Then he’d quiet. It’s always the same. I smiled. Because I knew he was. He splashed his hand through the water and flung it toward me. Showering me with icy drops. I threw my hands up to shield myself, giggling as I tried to duck away. He stole my hand to help me up. Keeping me close to him as we took off in a run again. Going further down the ravine than I remembered us ever doing before. I was laughing with abandon, my glee mounting. Even though I knew straying this far would surely get me in trouble I couldn’t bring myself to care when I felt this alive. He reached up and caught the back of my head, leading it downward to get me to duck. I felt the brush of something hard above me ruffling bits of my hair and I recognized the chilly feeling of stone under my other hand. We’re under a rock. I realized. I was careful to follow his lead exactly as he showed me how. I dutifully did as he bid without a word. There was a wild swish of the wind before it abruptly stopped. The grove silenced and there was only the vibration in the ground from the rushing water of the river he’d shown me. Even that was in the distance now. We moved forward until he stopped us again. I used my senses to the best of my ability. Ping. Ping. That repeated tap was steady. It was the only thing I could perceive now. It was the sheer absence of all other sound and the chilly air that told me we were in a cave. I didn’t know there was a cave so close to home. I was already fascinated. I wished I could smell better. All I could catch was the stinging scent of something acrid. Though I was sure many animals had come and gone from here. There are probably a million stories of the creatures that once lived here…If only I could smell like the other wolves. He said something. One short word and he tugged my hand. We walked slower, his step became more careful. Now everything had grown even blacker now than it usually was. Which made me think that this place was absent any light. And judging by how carefully he moved, there must not have been any refracting light to catch in his wolf’s gaze. Unless he’s not a wolf.  I had always assumed he was. Not many creatures would dare to draw this close to pack territory if they weren’t. Still, I was forever curious about him. The nature of being unable to see or hear him. I supposed. I was forever curious about everyone. But I was sure that I occasionally heard his paws approaching. Sometimes I even caught the faint, musky scent of fur and animal. Which made me more certain. He’s a wolf. He led me through the stone corridors until we reached a place where the walls seemed to peel open further, and the scent of sulfur stung my dulled senses. Revealing that we were deeper in the cave. He caught my wrist and guided it me something that luminesced a light blue. Somehow bright in the impossible blackness. I put an arm up to block my face, finding it almost painful after so much darkness. This time, when my hand brushed the surface of water, I was stunned by the warmth of it. It felt nearly like skin, it was so warm. And it was somehow thick, still. Beckoning me to press my hand in further. I sighed in bliss as I delved my arm further in. I could see the lights forming around my shoulder. They seemed to brighten from within the water but still couldn’t reach the darkest corners of this stone chamber. As if they only brightened for us. How is that possible? I wondered in fascination. I blinked several times but the white haze at the border of my gaze blocked everything but what was directly before me. And even that was merely shadows. I heard that tick, tick, tick, tick of his laughter. Those four low notes I knew so well. I dunked my other arm and made another contented sound. Even happier by the warmth along both. He stood next to me. Allowing me time to enjoy the soothing caress of the water. “I wish I could see it.” There were rumbling notes I thought I could almost tell were words, but the slight slosh of the water masked them. I concentrated harder and still couldn’t tell what he said as he murmured something else. I just want to hear him. I yearned for it so badly.   My heart was beginning to pound quicker with the frustration of not being able to. I chewed my cheek and went back to looking at the water. Wanting to focus on how good the water felt. I could feel bones beginning to move under my skin. Even feel the unfurling of the familiar creature inside me. Trying to bloom. Like a flower whose center yearned for the sunlight but it was too weak and deformed to ever emerge. Still, it longed for a peek. But like all things about me, it was restrained by the weakness of my human body. I knew what would happen if I tried to give in to its yearning. The boy must’ve been able to tell. He put a hand on my shoulder. Comforting me. I gave him a pained look. “I can’t change. Or the others will come kill me because I’m broken.” He caught my head in his youthful hands and began petting my hair from front to back until all the racing of my heart calmed and the beast in me was lulled back into slumber. I almost felt bad for that part of me. Like me, it just wants to see, to hear, to feel. At least I get to feel... She, the thing inside me, had never once gotten to breathe her own air or feel her body. The few times I’d tried to let her she’d made it to just under my skin but she could never climb past that. I could feel her twisted limbs trying to change my legs and her disjointed jaw trying to push through my mouth, but she was never strong enough to manage it. It was painful. And it was sad. Frustrated with myself, I grunted and pulled my arms out of the water. Shoulders slumping and arms drooping as I faced him, unable to hide that I was so forlorn. I heard more muttered tones that told me he was speaking to me again. “I wish I could hear you!” I said desperately. What is he saying? I would’ve loved to know what he had to say to me. I was sure that whatever he wanted to talk about would’ve been just as fascinating as he was. In response to my comment, I heard the familiar tick, tick, tick, tick. He’s laughing at me. “I bet this place is so beautiful!” I bemoaned the fact that I couldn’t see it. I heard one long hum and recognized it as a sound that I often heard. Someone agreeing with me. That means it is beautiful. I sighed wistfully. I knew it.

Hate Me Then

Right Where I Want You

197 This Moment

MINE

Not It

28 Conversations with Old Captains

For the Holiday

Host

Parasite

196 You're Mine