06 Daughter of Fury

The One I Want

I lost count of how many moons had passed but I found myself growing taller and my body filling out. My chest grew fuller. I was thickening and rounding in many places. I still knew little about how I looked from the outside. Save for what I could glimpse through my cups of water.

I’ve never even seen my reflection. I thought mournfully.

The boy would tell me. I knew. And I’d be able to hear him!

Or, if I could get to the ravine, I could look in that creek and see myself. Or in that sacred pool in the cave…If he would take me there again.

I had never seen myself before. I could tell that I’d changed, but I didn’t even know what the original me had looked like. Now that I could see I felt as if layers of mystery had peeled off the world like a blanket hiding a surprise beneath. But that surprise was something I had yet to see.

I knew that if I could talk to the boy, even a short conversation, I could make him understand everything I was feeling. And I knew he would listen.  

I chewed my cheek. Even after all this time, he’s still all I think about.

I knew that if I was no longer a girl, chances were that the moon had changed him too.

He’ll be a grown man now. I wondered how different he was now. It seemed sad that I never even got to see the boy.

I sat in the wooden chair before the window and stared longingly out at the boulder. Hoping to catch the merest hint of him. But day after day, there was nothing.

It’s like he’s disappeared completely. I thought sorrowfully. Worrying about him. Every moon that rose I missed his hand around mine more.

I was maturing and I already knew that the male I wanted was the one that had led me through the woods when I was blind. The one that ran with me, even when I was broken…

Mate… I’d begun toying with that word but hardly knew what it meant. Still, I knew that I wanted him as mine.

Mother spoke often of the need for me to take a mate in order to protect me from the other males. It was often our dinner conversation as she collected whatever the alpha or hunters had left at our door and prepared it for our meal.  

The first pink moon since I had changed came. Rising fat and round and high in the sky. Mother had stared out watching it rise and now rushed to open the hatch.

“You’re going to have to hide, my dear.”

It smelled absolutely rancid. The scent stung my nostrils.

“It smells terrible, mama!”

“That’s what will hide your smell, my daughter.”

“My smell?” I shook my head in confusion.

“The scent of female wolves is much stronger when the moon is pink. And the males are more receptive to it. They’re…Searching for it.”

“Do I smell, mama?”

She shook her head. “I can’t smell you like that, honey. But the healthier a female wolf is the more potent her scent.”

She glanced over me. “I fear your pheromones will be raging enough to call them all here.”

“Because of the color of the moon?”

“It’s called the Mating Moon.” She said sympathetically. “I know you don’t understand yet. But soon, you will. We just need a little more time.”

“Yes, mama.” I dutifully crawled under the horrible furs. Trying to ignore the stinking chunks lingering to the skins. Pieces that I now suspected my mother had deliberately left there.  

She closed the hatch above me, blocking out all light and leaving me in that acrid darkness. She moved the table over it and I heard the snap of the shutters closing.

Then she returned and slid into a chair above me, facing it toward the door. She willingly offered herself as a guard someone would have to get through to get to me.

Then I heard the first scruffing noises outside. I could feel their pawprints flattening the grass surrounding our home as they padded around beneath the window. Their noses in the air, on the ground. I could sense how close they were.

Mama was right. They were searching…For me. Whether they knew it or not, that’s what they were here for.

At one point I heard thudding above me and chaotic sounds. The table scraping and chairs toppling. But I was quiet.

There were horrible sounds, cloth tearing and grunting that made me think she was fighting someone.

I stayed in there half-terrified someone had killed her, though she never screamed.

It was dawn when she threw back the hatch and offered me a hand up.

Her face had a long scratch down the side and she looked weary. Once I was out, she told me to stay in the furthest corner while she went to work fixing the door which was broken in at the bottom. I noticed she moved gingerly as if she was hurting.

“Mama?” I asked quietly as soon as the door was fixed. “Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine, honey. I just need to sit for a while.” I helped her to a chair. Lowering her cautiously.

I turned to go bring her some food but she caught my forearm.

“Promise me something.”

“What?”

“Do not let the pack decides who you are mated to. You choose on your own.”

“Okay…” I said bemusedly. Unsure where this was coming from.

“You’ve spent far too long in the dark to let any monster steal your light.”

“I won’t, Mama.” I said slowly. Confused about her urgency.

I want the one that held my hand while I was in the darkness. The shadow that wanted to be near me, before I could see…

***

It had been well over twelve moons, mother said. Perhaps that was why I felt like I was beginning to go mad. Today I was nearly sick with the urge to launch myself out the front door.

I sat on my bed, fingers digging into the side of the bunk and rocking myself. I stared at the window, imagining myself launching through it and crossing the meadow to the hollow.

Perhaps to find my mate already there, waiting for me. I told myself it was okay to hope.

I dreamed of him endlessly. That feeling of connection I had to him, had never tempered. Not even all this time.

I heard the rip of mother separating skin from muscle as she prepared an animal for dinner at the table.

“Deva…Please calm down.” She didn’t look up from what she was doing. “That bed is creaking every time you move. It’s distracting.”

“Ugh!” I cried. Standing up and pacing. “I hate it in here.”

“I know. But it is dangerous out there.” She was talking in her usual calm tone. Repeating the same things she had said over and over a million times. “Just have a seat and relax.”

“You don’t understand.” I tugged at my hair. “I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Deva…” She looked up. Giving me a worried look as she began to sense the gravity of the situation.

I shook my head. “I can’t.”

I meant it. Every fiber in my body was shuddering and my body was ready to explode. Unable to bear another second of it, I succumbed to the impulse to go. I crossed the space in two skipping strides and launched between the open shutters. My body twisting with perfect precision. Changing in the air until I was a creamy white, the same shade my hair was when it hung over my shoulders. I landed on sturdy paws and was crossing the ground toward that square boulder with the power of muscles that I didn’t used to know.

I was so eager to get to that boulder that I could hardly breathe. I felt sure that somehow the boy would know to meet me. He’ll feel me there.

Hope raged in my blood. Rising with every pulsebeat.

Mother tossed open the door and cried out. “Devastation!”

I was intent on getting out of the shack before I lost my mind from isolation. That sole drive made it so I hardly noticed as a massive male wolf thundered across the meadow into my path.

He hunkered. His shoulders vibrating as his head lowered threateningly. He bared his teeth in a vicious snarl.

He doesn’t know me. I met the wolf with wary eyes. I wheeled to a stop, wondering what was happening. He thinks I’m an intruder in the camp.

I slowly eased backward. Sensing the grave mistake I’d just made.

The yellow eyes of this wolf were vicious. Hateful.

I hunkered low to show him I was no threat. I glanced over my shoulder toward the shack where my mother was frozen at the window. Her eyes glued to the scene.

Don’t run… I warned myself. Despite that my wolf’s instinct told me to get out of there. I sensed that running would only incense him further.

It will end violently. My stomach dropped.

Mother had taught me much about defending myself in human form but nothing about doing it while in the shape of a wolf. But beyond all that, she had taught me to use sense. That was what I was clawing for now. Even though my heart was thudding loudly in my ears as I slid one paw, then the other, backward.

The male was raven’s black and far bigger than me. He knew more about how to behave as a wolf. He exuded aggression with every deep snarl emerging from his throat. His massive paws moved after my retreat. Lifting before dropping and sinking deep into the damp dirt beneath us.

I’ve barely learned to take wolf shape. I huffed a long breath, afraid that I was about to discover that everything mother had told me was true. I veered backward, angling toward the door of the shack that was creaking open.

Mama waiting for me. I recognized.

There was another snarl behind me which had me whirling sideways in order to keep them both in view. This was a large brown male. Another one guarding the territory.

I heard growling from further away and soon realized that there were others, moving in a wide circle around me.

Attacking me as a pack. My eyes slid over them. I fearfully whipped my head, trying to see them all at the same time.

They were closing in. They had blocked me off from the shack and were now assuring that there was no other direction I could turn.

I’m cornered.

***

An imposing man stepped into my path. His head was high and there was a regal aura to him. His posture exuded power. His shoulders and stand were square and there was an aura around him that commanded me to stop moving. Without a word aloud.

I knew instantly who this had to be. Our alpha, Madrik.  

I spun my head to see the two large males that had boxed me in but they were gone. However they soon flanked their alpha as nude men. Both appeared younger than the alpha but had similar bladed cheekbones and hard features.

It was never safe to guess wolves’ ages because one they matured they virtually stopped ageing, unless severely injured.

They’re the alpha’s successors. His sons. Ajax and Jamie.

Looking at the two brothers I faintly noticed that they were complete opposites beyond their faces. One was tall and built villainously huge with a wrathful expression. The other was tall and slender. Sinewed from hours of training with narrowed eyes. One was dark haired one was sandy blonde.  Both were staring at me with interest written in their faces.

“Hello Devastation.” Madrik greeted.

My eyes flicked nervously to me.

“Why don’t you go inside and put some clothes on. Then come back. It’s high time you meet your pack.”

Oh, no. I thought in horror. What have I done?

I swallowed, backing toward the door of my shack. Running wasn’t an option. They had closed in until they sat shoulder to shoulder around us.

I don’t have a choice. I understood.